“dark times” by Ben Platt is the song I wish my younger self could have listened to. It would have spared me much pain and misery as I was growing up.

Just the thought that my future self would smile at me and cheer me on, rather than berate me as miserable piece of shit who does not deserve love or even exist, would have made my life feel more worth living. Hell, even the idea that the future of me actually does exist at all would have been a blessing back then.

Just the thought that my future self would smile at me and cheer me on, rather than berate me as a miserable piece of shit who does not deserve love or even to exist, would have made my life feel more worth living. Hell, even the idea that the future version of me actually exists would have been a blessing back then.

That’s how much bleakness I experienced when I was a child. I was filled with self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-destructive thoughts during my identity crisis and constantly questioning my own worth of existence.

I constantly imagined the world swallowing me whole, believing that it’d be okay because everyone would be better off without me.

Actually, no, I was contemplating how much better off it would be if I could take away the parts of myself that didn’t conform to societal norms. I imagined how much life would be easier for both myself and those around me, if I were not who I am. I believed the reason life was so hard to bear was because of my own identity.

I felt like a source of darkness, a mistake that would bring suffering to myself and everyone else—like a black hole swallowing up everyone and everything around me.

But, the truth is, as the song says, you only see the light shine in dark times.

And that light keeps carrying me through life, even during moments when I couldn’t bring myself to see it.

So, here I am today, smiling at my younger selves and cheering each of them on. I also know that all my future selves will do the same.

Tough times don’t last, but tough people do. I am now tough and brave enough to trust that light will shine upon me through both good and bad times.

Life is worth living, so I’m determined to live it fully, no matter what.